In the past week or so, I’ve somehow found myself in multiple conversations with women who believe they are married to or in a relationship with the wrong man because that man isn’t meeting her needs.
A single woman, seriously dating someone, was ready to marry her boyfriend one day and questioning the entire relationship the next.
A married woman asked for a divorce because she had told her husband all the things he was doing wrong shortly into their marriage and years later, he was still doing them (or not doing them).
My heart aches so much for these women because I used to be one of them.
What they don’t realize is that they will have the same problems in their next relationship. Because guess who goes with them into their next relationship? They do.
The exact scenarios may be different. But their partner still isn’t going to meet all their needs. It isn’t their job.
Deep down, we all just want to feel loved.
But no matter how much my husband loves me, I can’t feel his love. His love cannot jump out of his body and into mine.
Here’s what really happens: My husband feels love. Our feelings drive our actions, so when he’s feeling love he’ll take an action. When I see that action, I have a thought. My thought is what creates my feeling. So if I interpret his action as “he loves me,” the only thing that really happens is I give myself permission to believe he loves me. And then I feel loved.
My husband’s actions are not what determine whether I feel loved or not.
Your husband bringing you flowers does not make you feel loved. Your husband holding your hand does not make you feel loved. Your husband wanting to have sex does not make you feel loved. Your husband helping with dishes does not make you feel loved. Your husband spending time with you does not make you feel loved.
Your husband doesn’t have to do a single thing for you to feel loved.
That’s great news, ladies! If we all just want to feel loved, we don’t need our husbands to change. At all.
You can give yourself permission to believe he loves you right now. No matter what your situation is. You can just decide to believe he loves you. That means, you can feel loved anytime you want. It also means, that feeling loved is your job, not his.
I can’t even describe how freeing this has been for me. I used to have a list of all the things I needed my husband to do so I could feel loved. When he did them, I felt loved. When he didn’t do them, I felt pain.
It wasn’t a fun place to be.
Now I choose to believe he loves me, truly and deeply, no matter he does. I don’t make his actions or inactions mean anything about me or how much he loves me (because they don’t). I get to feel loved all the time. Who wouldn’t want that?
And here’s the bonus: when I just love my husband for exactly who he is, no expectations or qualifications, he actually does more of those things I want. Because when you feel loved for exactly who you are, it’s easier to think thoughts that drive those kinds of actions.
Love your husbands, ladies. Choose it every single day. Love them for exactly who they are. Throw away your manuals that list all the things they need to do to make you happy; to make you feel loved. Choose to feel loved. Take care of your own needs. Just try it.