It will be better when I’ve lost the weight.
It will be better when my kids are a little older.
It will be better when I’m married.
It will be better when I’m married to someone else.
It will be better after I’ve graduated.
It will be better when we’re out of debt.
It will be better when I get a new job.
Stop. It won’t be better. Would you like to know why? Because YOU will be going with you into that new place. Why did I feel pain in both of my marriages? Because I went with myself into my new marriage. My thoughts created my feelings, not my circumstances.
If you think everything will be better when you lose the weight you’re kidding yourself. You’ll get there and realize you still don’t love yourself and you’ll wonder what the heck went wrong. And then you’ll probably put all the weight back on because you didn’t deal with what was causing the overeating in the first place.
The only reason things aren’t amazing right now is because of the way you’re thinking about it. Here is some of the best advice I can give you: learn to be happy exactly where you are right now, and only then decide what you want. Don’t leave a marriage until you’re happy in that marriage. Don’t leave your job until you’re happy in that job. Don’t make any decisions because you think it will make you happier. Circumstances don’t create happiness. Thoughts do.
Our brains are always on the look out for danger. We aren’t being chased by tigers in our day-to-day lives anymore so our brains think a lot of things are dangerous that simply aren’t dangerous. What that amounts to is our brains looking for the negative in every situation.
If you don’t learn to manage your mind, that next thing that you think is going to fix everything isn’t going to change anything at all. Your brain will just find more negative things in the new circumstances.
So what does this look like?
If you want to lose weight, learn how to love your body exactly as it is. Understand that you are perfect, worthy, and lovable exactly as you are. And then decide if you really want to lose weight. Just because you can. Just for fun. Just because you want to take care of yourself. But not because you hate your body and you’re desperate to feel better.
If you’re miserable in your marriage, learn to love your spouse for exactly who they are. No expectations. No manual. No conditions. And learn to love yourself in the same way. And then decide if that’s the kind of partner and the kind of life you want. Don’t leave because you’re desperate to feel better. The circumstance isn’t what’s making you miserable, it’s your thoughts. And those thoughts will be going with you into your next relationship.
If you’re wishing your kids were older and didn’t require so much attention from you, focus on all the amazing things that their age offers right now. Don’t let your brain run around like a toddler with a permanent marker. Choose to look for and focus on what’s good about their age now. What advice would your future self give you about this time? Otherwise, when your kids actually older, you’ll still be finding all the negative things and still wishing for something different.
It will be better when you decide to think about it a different way. That’s it. If you keep chasing a change in your circumstances to feel better, you’re always going to be left disappointed and confused as to why it didn’t work the way you thought it would.
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