One of my classmates at the Life Coach School starting talking about things as BLC (before life coaching). I love it because it’s so true; we see everything differently now. BLC, this headline would have infuriated me. So what? Seriously?
Losing a job
Special Needs Child
One of my biggest paradigm shifts ACL (after life coaching) was when it finally clicked that circumstances are neutral. I can already hear you arguing with me. My brain argued as well. How can any of those things be neutral? Here’s what I mean: they are neutral until we have a thought about them. It’s our thoughts that make them negative or positive.
Infidelity is neutral. One person might be completely devastated by the news that their spouse cheated on them. Another person, who is unhappy in their marriage but is afraid to leave it, may be elated because now they have a reason to leave and can feel justified. Another person may feel relieved because they’ve been cheating too and now they don’t have to feel guilty anymore. If the infidelity (the circumstance) caused the emotion, all of us would have the same emotion.
The difference in these people is their thoughts about the affair. When I say “so what?” I mean “what are you making it mean?” What are your thoughts that are causing you to feel the emotion you’re feeling?
Here’s another infidelity example: I have a client going through a divorce involving infidelity right now. She’s heartbroken. She told me “when it was good it was really good.” But the infidelity was happening long before she found out about it. She thought things were really good while he was doing the same things that she thinks are making her feel awful right now.
If it was the infidelity causing her negative emotion, she would’ve felt that negative emotion when the infidelity started. Since she didn’t know about it, she didn’t have a thought about it, and her marriage was “really good.” After she found out she had lots of thoughts. Her thoughts are causing her heartbreak, not the infidelity.
Why is this important? Because after she’s processed her grief and is ready to feel something different, she can. We can’t control other people. Oft times we can’t control our circumstances. But we can control our thoughts. Knowing that our thoughts create our emotions means we have the power to feel differently anytime we want to.
That doesn’t mean she should just hurry and change her thoughts so she can feel better. She may want to feel grief for a while. There is power in allowing your emotions. But knowing your feelings are created by your thoughts means you have the power to feel better whenever you want to. It also means you can write your past any way you want to.
What do you want to make it mean?
How do want to feel about it?
A few years ago my husband of 15 years told me he didn’t love me anymore and left me for another woman. I made this mean a whole slew of things about myself, about the kind of wife I was, and about the kind of woman I was. How could I not? We had promised to love each other forever and here he was telling me I wasn’t good enough and he didn’t want me anymore.
My divorce didn’t exactly come out of nowhere. I spent years feeling like I wasn’t good enough. The divorce merely brought everything to the surface. At my very core, I felt completely and utterly unlovable. The pain was almost unbearable.
After processing my grief, I felt like a new woman. I was ready to take on the world and find a new life for myself. I really enjoyed being single. I started dating and, surprisingly, found a man I wanted to spend my life with relatively quickly. We discussed all the things I didn’t discuss before getting married the first time. I thought we had a clear understanding of what we were both looking for in a marriage. This marriage was going to be completely different.
Not long into our marriage I found myself experiencing a lot of the same pain I had gone through in my first marriage. I was married to a different person. Our life was different. Our circumstances were different. But I still felt like I wasn’t good enough. That I wasn’t lovable. That there must be something wrong with me.
I was drowning in pain. I was swimming as hard as I could but I just couldn’t get any air. It was exhausting. And it felt like the darkness was closing in around me.
Therapy was helping but it just wasn’t enough. Our therapist had us tell each other how we were feeling and what our needs were. But then guess what? He still didn’t meet my needs, even after I told him what they were (I know, this is a huge shocker). I really wanted this marriage to work and I needed a solution that didn’t require anyone but me. I was tired of being a victim to other people’s choices.
I found the solution.
Did you know that your thoughts create your feelings? All of them. No one can make you feel anything. It’s not possible. Only your thoughts can make you feel something. That means I was the one causing myself all the pain. I was the one hurting my feelings. Not my husband. He can’t make me feel anything. When he does or says something, I have a thought about it. That thought is what creates my feelings. And here’s the best news ever…thoughts are optional.
I found the secret. I found a way to create any life I want, without having to rely on anyone else. When my husband comes home grumpy I can choose to make it mean he’s mad at me and I did something wrong and he doesn’t love me. I can also choose to make it mean he’s human, having a bad day, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Each of those thoughts are going to get me drastically different results.
I started changing my thoughts and my life did a complete 180. The darkness, the drowning, the pain, it was all gone. And my husband never changed, at least not at his core. When we were dating I felt loved, adored, wanted, and cherished. After we got married I felt like I wasn’t enough, like I would never be enough, that maybe I really was completely unlovable. Today I’m back to feeling loved again. WITHOUT MY HUSBAND HAVING TO CHANGE ANYTHING. He’s been the same wonderful man all along. My thoughts created all those emotions, good and bad.
After my success in this one area, the one that was causing the bulk of my problems, I wanted to apply the principles I had learned to everything else. I’ve been able to make serious improvements to almost every area of my life: weight loss, time management, other relationships, money, etc.
I can’t always do it on my own. Sometimes my human brain doesn’t recognize the thoughts that are causing me problems because it’s so convinced the thoughts are true; that they are facts. Often it takes an outside source to look at my brain with me and show me what my brain is doing, because I’m just too close to see it. My life coach helped me with this process and it 10Xed my results.
That’s when I decided this is what I wanted to do with my life. I want to help others create the same results I’ve been able to create. I want to help women understand how amazing and lovable they are and teach them how to thrive after divorce (or anything really). I want to help people have whatever life they want, regardless of their circumstances or the people in their lives. So I signed up for certification at the Life Coach School and started learning everything there is to know about thought work. For myself and for my clients.
I have a poster on my wall of a female warrior that says “The devil whispered in my ear ‘you’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.’ Today I whispered in the devil’s ear ‘I am a Child of God, a Woman of Faith, a Warrior of Christ. I Am the Storm.’”
Being a child of God, a woman of faith, and a warrior of Christ has always given me power. Thought work has amplified that power because I’ve finally learned how to live the life I’ve always wanted to live. I’ve never felt more empowered. My life is 100% in my control. I can finally be the woman I’ve always wanted to be.
Do you want these kinds of results in your life? Schedule a free mini session with me TODAY! Don't waste one more day living in unnecessary pain. The future you want is here for the taking. What are you waiting for?